by: A'ric Jackson

“Man, I kid you not . . . I can tell you the address and can even tell you what the apartment looks like,” my boy pleaded on the other end of the phone as I clenched it with a death grip. He continued, “When you walk through the door there is a long hallway.  One wall is an olive green color; the other is a red clay color. The hallway feeds into the living room, which is kind of a golden color . . . a really nice color. If you turn left, there is another small hallway, which at the end of it is a bathroom that has an African theme, and the walls are a deep purple color. To the left of the bathroom is like an eat-in kitchen, and on the floor there were hair supplies and a hair dryer. . .” “What does the bedroom look like?” I interrupted, as if the description already given was not enough. “The bedroom is on the right of the bathroom. When you walk through the door, the bed is to the left, right, and it sits in front of a walk-in closet. Right next to the walk-in closet is a silver TV.” All I could do at that time was chuckle. I chuckled because my boy had just described MY apartment! I knew he wasn’t lying because though he is my boy, I had never invited him over. How did he come to know this apartment and its details so well?  My “Boo.” After my chuckle wore off, the hurt crept into my voice as I said, “Dude, that’s my apartment.” Silence, in this moment, was not Golden by any means.

It was like being “Punk’d” except it didn’t end with joking and laughter but, instead, confusion. Here it was, my first relationship in a while, and I had totally decided to give my all because my plans were to marry my “Boo.” After getting the description of the apartment, I figured that my boy and my “Boo” could have just hung out and shot the breeze. That pipe dream quickly collapsed as he went on to share with me all of the discovered sensitive spots. And when I say he was on the money with ALL of them, I had to swallow the harsh dose of reality . . . I had been cheated on. When I look back at it, I realized that I was immediately paralyzed mentally. How the hell do you tell someone, “Oh, by the way, I know you’re cheating on me . . . should I pull out the PowerPoint presentation?” It sucks immensely. I remember talking to my mentor right after the fact and telling him how shocked I was and that I didn’t know how to do this. A great word of advice was given to me. The advice was: “A’ric, it is going to go one of two ways. Either responsibility is going to be taken for what happened and the two of you can move on from there, or you are going to be made out to be in the wrong and, in that case, you know that person does not want to own up to what they have done.” Of course you know what happened, right? I was the one who was wrong! Ain’t that some SSSHHHH__________! Here it was that I was going through the ringer because I was taking my boy’s word and not trusting that it did not happen. There was a series of events that took place, from a heavy exchange of words to it almost getting physical.

So this article is not about this one incident. However, what may be sad about the above is that some of you may relate to one of the three people in the story. With all that being said, I have one question to ask . . . Why do we cheat? In my scenario, I asked that question over and over and over again. I was trying to rationalize why I had been cheated on, yet, at the end of the night I was left uncomfortable, untrusting, and unwilling to forgive. That sucks. So given that the question posed can take on so many different directions, this article is going to be in two parts. In Part I, we are going to look at the three parties involved in a cheating situation, dig a little deeper into why we cheat, and then take a look at the mindset that this all streams from. In Part II, we are going to take an inward look at what happens to us when we are cheated on, the traps of it, and how we can choose to stay or move on. So let’s begin with . . .

The Three Parties Involved in Cheating

Follow on, as it may seem very elementary but will prepare you for the rest of the article.

Cheater: The one who commits the act of “stepping out” of the preset rules of a given relationship.

Cheatee (yes, I made it up): The second party living within the preset rules of the given relationship who is “stepped out” on.

Accomplice: The third party who is involved with the cheater and in most cases unknowingly.

So those are the three parties involved in cheating. For Part I, we are just going to focus on the Cheater. So my immediate question to the Cheater is . . . WHAT THE HELL?!!  How dumb do you think we are? (pause) Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s move on. When we look at the three parties, the cheater instantly surfaces as the guilty one. Characteristics of a cheater include being sneaky, not real, leading a double and sometimes triple life, selfish as all get out, not sure of what it is he or she wants and, oftentimes, a coward. Harsh? Good. Now let me say that as harsh as it may sound, I have worn the cheater’s badge several times. So before you think that I am “cheater bashing,” know that the harsh doses that I speak of I have taken myself. 

Cheaters are often self-centered, thinking that they are slick movers and will not be found out. In some rare cases, they are not. Even with that, I would say that the cheatee knows that they are being cheated on; however, they choose to turn their cheek to the signs of it all, which is something we will talk about in Part II. So why do cheaters cheat? I truly believe there is no one reason. As much as I would like to say the reason is X, the truth is that there could be a myriad of reasons that incorporate X’s and Y’s and Z’s. After looking at my situations, knowing cheating situations of people in my life and just having general conversations, I have come up with the four main reasons Cheaters Cheat. 

Cheater’s Mentality #1 – I’m not worthy of this relationship; it will be over soon.

Pretty intricate? It is. However, for those of you who have hung with elders who have been considered wise, you might be familiar with the saying, “what’s in you will come out.” Or said in another way, “what’s in the dark will come to the light.” Now, I know in a lot of cases, these sayings may have been used with the whole fire and brimstone tone, but I want you to consider it in a more subtle way. “What’s in you will come out” in this context can show up in the mentality of you not being deserving enough of who you currently have. This person is good to you, sweet, the loving is off the chain, so much so it makes you want to write lyrics like Jill Scott did in her song “Crown Royal.” Your girl or guy is a dream or, even if they are not the dream companion, they are the prototype. So if he or she is all that, why will it drive the cheater to cheat? If in your heart you feel that you are not good enough for this person, he or she can at any point deem you as not worthy of all that is given. For some reason, you are stuck in a past relationship where you screwed up and that person says you are no good. You make up your mind that no one else will have room to say that about you, so the result of this is unknowingly setting yourself up to end the relationship before he or she can deem you as unworthy. Suffice it to say it is a sadistic way of punishing yourself (and the relationship) before your girl or guy does. Doesn’t make sense? EXACTLY!

Cheater’s Mentality #2 – There is no set commitment or rules.

Oftentimes, we make the mistake of getting into a relationship and, in some cases, marrying someone without creating a set of boundaries or rules customized for YOUR relationship. Can I ask a question? Why do we try to make our relationships fit this cookie cutter mold of what a relationship is supposed to be? What some of us fail to realize is that when we don’t create our own world of do’s and don’ts, it is so easy to fudge a line of what is and what is not accepted or right. In the case of a cheater, if no rules are created, the mentality will always be to get around the rules. It almost becomes a game for some, and the game is “how do I not get caught?” Now, this mentality usually does not stand alone, but if someone has been raised in a competitive environment, he or she will seek out ways to get around it. If the couple fails to make clears lines that should not be crossed, it sets the bar of temptation high. As I mentioned, this mentality does not always stand on its own, and when it doesn’t you can pretty much guarantee that it ties into…

Cheater’s Mentality #3 – The Player’s Game masking insecurity.

You would think that cheaters are some of the most confident people. I beg to differ. I will give you that they tend to be cockier than the norm; however, this is a defense mechanism to hide what is really there. When it comes to the Player’s Game, it is usually a telling sign of someone saying “you can’t make me do it.” Or, in this case, “you can’t make me not do it.” This mentality is a viscous cycle of trying to prove yourself. You are constantly trying to prove that you can have anybody you want, people still want you, and, as a matter of fact, the cheatee is privileged to be with you. All of that is a crock of BS. The Player’s Game, coupled with the lack of commitment or rules, quickly reveals that someone is afraid to commit or honor the choice that he or she has made and stick with it. It is so easy to go from one person to the next while you have your good thing sitting at home worried about where you’re at, who you are with and what you may bring home when you finally do come back. That is a punk’s mentality trying to bluff his or her way through the relationship. Better yet, life. However, the courageous ones are the ones who stick with it all the way through. A player stick with it all the way through? You got the wrong one. The cheater is constantly building the safety net for his or her own life, because if plan A doesn’t work, they can move on to plan B. But consider this: How would you treat plan A if you knew there would never be a plan B? Mo’Nique says it best: Live your life like there is no back-up plan.

Cheater’s Mentality #4 – Too dang lazy!

This mentality is very simple. The thrill of the chase will always be a requirement for some cheaters. So, in order to keep this consistent, they are going to find a way to constantly recreate that scenario. This is the easy way out. However, constantly recreating and regenerating your current relationship means that you are going to have to get off of where the good Lord split you and put some effort into what you currently have. Cheaters have it all confused when they think that the thrill of the initial chase is always more exciting. Imagine what the thrill of the chase would be if you had someone who has chased you before and KNOWS how you like to be caught. Get up! Go on a date! Do something! Breathe in your relationship as if it were always the first time. Why settle for 100 new thrills with 100 people when you can have thousands of new thrills with one. Work that out!

No, I have not gone into a whole bunch of depth on these four mentalities. Why should I? If you are a cheater, you know which one you relate to the most, and you could probably school me on a few things. This article is not for you to learn something new, but it is for you to realize that the game is old and we know that you will have one or more of the four mentalities above. If you plan on staying in this vein of thought, go get with some other cheaters and ya’ll just have each other and leave those who want a monogamous relationship alone. If nothing else, be honest. Stop pretending that you want a real relationship when, in all honesty, you are just trying to get into a better pair of drawers.  Oh, by the way, you really tell on yourself when you walk into a relationship talking about how much others have cheated on you, but you can’t stand someone who cheats on you. DING DING DING!!!! You’re dumb as hell, because first, why walk into a relationship with all of that baggage in the first place, and second, play dumb when you are caught cheating? Then you try to find every reason to rationalize why it happened and if it doesn’t work you play the blame game. Get a new trick!

Cheaters, if you are bold enough to cheat, then be equally bold to own up to it when you are caught. Cheatees, stop acting like you don’t know. You have the signs, you just don’t pay attention to them, which is something we will talk about in Part II. Closing out, I want to say to both parties right now that the reason why this continues to be a persistent problem is because neither one of the parties is bold enough to give up the ego and be real! The day that both of you chooses to get real, the sooner real relationships can be had. See you in Part II next month.

A’ric